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Getting started is simple.

Visit your preferred bookseller, such as Waterstones or Amazon, and order the First Verse.

Available in:

• Paperback - for the average reader.

• Hardback - for enthusiasts and minor aristocracy.

• eBook - for those who cannot abide or remain suspicious of paper.

The Holderness Institute takes all complaints seriously.

Before submitting a complaint, you are strongly advised to:

1. Eat a slice of toast with a generous layer of Nutella.

2. Make a cup of tea.

3. Have a little sit down.

If the matter remains unresolved, please visit your local church.

You will be pleased to know Jesus has already forgiven us.

We recommend you do the same.

No.

You require supervision from a suitably experienced monk.

Technology is increasingly questionable.

The safest way to contact us is through telepathy.

We will receive your thoughts.

We do not guarantee a reply.

If this is unsatisfactory, speak to a receptionist.

Receptionists know everything.

Questionable.

We are obnoxious and occasionally reclusive. Frequently obstructive.

Rumours persist that at least one member of the institute is a complete knobhead.

Internal investigations continue.

Visitors to Holderness are reminded that impossible events may occur without prior warning.

Suitable footwear is recommended.

A flask of tea should be carried at all times.

Biscuits are optional, although Custard Creams and Bourbons remain the Institute’s preferred emergency provisions.

We are doing our best.

Unfortunately, many of the principal witnesses disagree with one another.

One notebook spent three weeks in a puddle.

Progress is therefore slower than anticipated.